How long do you leave a joke alone after it dies twice?

I’m trying not to turn two bad outings into a funeral, but I also don’t want to drag the same broken bit around for six weeks out of principle. If something gets nothing twice in different rooms, do you park it for a while and come back with fresher eyes, or rewrite one clear thing and test it again straight away? I think my current system is either panic-edit immediately or become emotionally committed to proving the audience wrong, neither of which feels especially scientific.

What do you write down after a bad set before your brain rewrites the whole night?

I’m trying to stop a rough five minutes becoming “everything was terrible” by the time I get home. Straight after a set, do you write down only things you can actually observe — where laughs happened, where you lost your place, whether you rushed — and leave the big verdict until later? I feel like “bit two got nothing” is useful. “I have no business doing comedy” is technically a note, but perhaps not one with much editing value.

How much material do you take to your first five-minute spot?

I’m realising “write five minutes” and “have exactly five minutes of words” probably aren’t the same thing once laughs, pauses and nerves get involved. For a first proper five-minute spot, would you rehearse something that lands comfortably under time and leave space, or prepare extra lines in case you race through it? I’d rather finish cleanly than discover my closer lives somewhere after the light.

What do you do in the ten minutes before your name gets called?

I’ve got loads of advice for preparing a set, but the bit I’m bad at is the actual waiting. If I keep running lines in my head I wind myself up; if I chat to people I worry I’ll lose the opening. What do you do once you know you’re a couple of acts away — stop rehearsing completely, check the first line once, watch the room, go somewhere quiet? I’m trying to find a routine that makes me more ready rather than more nervous.

Do you practise picking the mic up and putting it back, or just the actual set?

Tiny thing, but I’ve noticed the first and last five seconds can make me look much less settled than the middle. Taking the mic out of the stand, moving the stand, then putting everything back while trying to remember my closing line suddenly feels like choreography. Do people actually rehearse the physical start and finish of a set, or does that sort itself out quickly once you’ve done enough gigs?

How early do you arrive for an open mic when you don't know the room?

I keep getting the timing wrong. Too early and I spend an hour getting more nervous; too late and I’m trying to find the sign-up person while taking my coat off. If it’s a room you’ve never done before, how much time do you actually want before the show starts? And what are you checking when you get there — running order, mic setup, where the light is, anything else?

Do you practise holding the mic before your first open mic?

Possibly an embarrassingly basic question, but I’m more worried about looking awkward with the mic than forgetting the jokes. At home I’m rehearsing into absolutely nothing, so I’ve no idea what I’ll do with my other hand or how close the mic should actually be. Did anyone practise with a hairbrush/remote/whatever before their first gig, or am I creating a problem that disappears the second you get on stage?